11 Things Guys Secretly Do with Their Penises

A man having a penis is like if you grafted a feather wand onto a cat’s pelvis. We walk around all day, fascinated and playing with it absentmindedly. Here are all the things guys secretly try with their penises.


  1. Bend it TO ITS EXTREME POINT. A flaccid penis is basically like having a slinky in your pants.
  2. Stretch it.We have pulled it until it hurt just to see how far it can go. It’s not like we decide it’s time to do penis stretches whenever we’re alone, but we’ve attempted this once.
  3. Flick it.It’s pretty funny to flick an erection. Alternatively, bend it back to our stomachs and let it spring forward.
  4. Try and fit it in things. If you have a penis you’re going to see what it does (or more importantly, doesn’t) fit into. Paper towel rolls, wide-mouth Snapple bottles, etc. The less it can fit into, the better you feel.
  5. Make a hotdog with our balls.You can wrap your balls onto either side of your penis and it basically forms a genital hotdog. This is funny.
  6. Measure it.It is impossible to have a penis without taking a tape measurer to it. We need to know the number.
  7. Just hold it, ever so gently. All the time. Just walking around the house doing chores and holding our penis. Holding our penis while driving (notillegal). Pretty much anything we can do with one hand, we’ll use the other hand to hold our penis.
  8. Tuck it behind our legs.Hahaha, hey! Now we’re a lady!
  9. Try and put it in our butt.JUST TO SEE IF WE CAN! WE DON’T, LIKE, ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT, OK?
  10. Look into it.Do I have to go into more detail here?
  11. Move it without using our hands. With a lot of focus and a raging erection, we can make it dance around. It’s surprisingly exhausting though.
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