- The way you’ve chosen to arrange your pubic hair. Pubic hair is to your vagina (or penis) the way a lawn is to a house: Most people aren’t going to be too bothered by it as long as it looks like someone lives there. It doesn’t have to be perfectly manicured. No one wants a spooky, boarded-up vagina that looks like a haunted house, but other than that, it’s all good.
- The way your labia look. Some vaginas have big lips, small lips, lips that stick out, or lips you can barely see. Just like all of God’s creatures, they are all beautiful. You might see your vagina’s entrance as a tentacle-monster we’ll have to bat away with an oar like a salty fisherman. We just see it as a vagina.
- How big (or small) it is. I’m sure, somewhere out there, extremely deep or extremely shallow vaginas exist. You’re probably not a world-record setter. Don’t sweat it. If it’s impeding your comfort or enjoyment of sex, you may want to see a doctor, but I can assure you that guys don’t care about this.
What color it is. It’s a vagina. It’s whatever color it’s supposed to be.
- Whatever it smells like. Let’s get real: your vagina definitely has a smell, and there is no Yankee Candle called “Excited Ladyparts” for a reason (that reason being that what kind of creepy person fills their apartment with vagina scent?!) But that doesn’t mean it smells bad. Everyone’s vagina smells different, and honestly, that smell is usually a turn-on because it means (1) we’re close to your vagina and (2) you’re turned on. Some have stronger scents than others, but if you practice good hygiene and don’t live in a waist-deep bog like a swamp monster, you’re fine.
- If your vagina gets crazy wet or you squirt during sex. This is actually pretty cool and we’d like to think it’s happening because of us. Never apologize for it. If anything, be like, “Wow, you make me so wet!” and watch our ego soar to new heights, like Icarus, except without the melting-wings-and-drowning-in-the-ocean part. The only ocean we want to drown in is an ocean of your — you know what? Never mind. Let’s just retire this metaphor.
- If you keep a bottle of lube in your bedside table. Honestly, we might not even notice if you’re on the dry side, but if it’s uncomfortable for you, grab the lube. Yes, it might feel awkward to bring up, but it’s way less awkward than having to get in the car and drive to the hospital together because you have chaffage, and when we get to the doctor, he’s like, “You idiots. Didn’t you have lube?” And you’re like, “Yeah. I did. But I didn’t want to use it because I thought it’d be awkward.” And then the doctor is like, “As awkward as this conversation we’re having right now?” And you’re like, “Nah. I guess not.” Definitely not as awkward as that. In conclusion: Guys understand that lube is not just for old ladies, it’s for every lady.
- How long it takes you to come. Unless this is a several-day ordeal and we need to request a week off of work to get your taco poppin’ (sorry, I heard that on Twitter) we can handle the 20 minutes and change to make sure you’re satisfied. Also, don’t think about how long it’s taking. Just relax. We’re into it.
- The fact that you have a larger-than-average clitoris. Unless it’s bigger than our penis and it’s going to make us feel inadequate, don’t freak out (note: that’s pretty much impossible). If anything, a larger clit makes things way easier for us and way hotter for you.
- If we need to pick up an extra passenger (your vibrator) on the train to Orgasmtown. Is it ideal for us? No, ideally we’d be a crazy sex god who can make any woman come just by looking at her. Should you miss out on an orgasm because we aren’t that? No. Just get in a position like doggy-style and grab your vibe and we’ll think, Hey, doggy style! and not worry about what else is going on.