In 2019, three friends almost killed me for chewing their girlfriends.
Yet, it’s their girlfriends who kwana me.
One evening in May 2019, before Covid19, social distancing, face masks and sanitizing, I was taking a stroll in Kabalagala when I bumped into Godfrey, Mugisha and Victor.
After formalities, a chick called Mugisha and was, “where are you? If you ain’t coming, tell us and we do other things.” Her voice was sweet. Now the three broke dudes, were supposedly going on a date, but were not sure where because they financially kaput.
Wanting my pals to chew their chicks, I volunteered to drive them. You see, for me, any mission that involves a guy bonking, I support and can finance when necessary. So off to pick the girls at a nearly by hostel, I drove.
The chicks were prettier than angels. On asking if they had a friend who would keep me company, Mugisha was, “my friend…..you’re only here to drive us. Not to mingle with us.”
As that was being said, one of the chicks whose name I got to learn as Peace declared that they were hungry. Mugisha coughed on hearing that. Thank God, there was no Covid19 back then or else, the car would have been abandoned fearing it was a Corona case.
Anyways, Peace asked Mugisha where they were taking them. But before Mugisha could suggest any kafunda, she talked of a classy restaurant in Nakasero.
On hearing which, I was, “these are detoothers!”
Their love conversations were interrupted, when I received a call from a client in USA wanting to buy land for a farm.
At that point, all three chicks noticed me as someone with potential.
“And who is the driver?” Edith who was coupling with Godfrey asked. “That’s ladies man, Mr. Hyena the top womaniser in the whole of Kampala,” he said.
“Did you have to say all that!” I scoffed. Of Course, Victor said what he said to kill my chances with the girls. “He looks every bit a womanizer,” Peace jumped in to which, I was “never judge a book by it’s cover.”
Victor jumped backed in saying I loved women so much that I even buy them. The operative word being ‘I buy them’ as in give women money to sleep with them.
The smearing campaign was interrupted by three calls from clients wanting to buy property, two selling and two baby mommas wanting child support. Victor made it his business to tell the chicks how, I would be rich if I didn’t waste most of my money on belles.
Anyways, we arrived at the restaurant and Godfrey was “ain’t things here very expensive!” To which I was, “not very.”
I mocked the three dudes by asking if I was to stay outside or go along with them. “Come along,” Peace insisted.
Over the meal, Victor and Mugisha constantly talked about their parents’ wealth, as well as the lucrative deals they were to make from supplying government. But when the 560k bill was brought they started fundraising. Seeing my friends were about to embarrass themselves, I jumped in to help when I volunteered to pay.
From the eatery, I drove to a fuel station and asked for 100k fuel. Once again, the three Romeos did fundraising. It must have been at that point the chicks realized their dates were third-class broke. It may be at that point the girls started wishing, I was their guy.
From the fuel station, I was bombarded by all kinds of questions. What kind of chicks, I like came from Edith. But before, I could answer to that, Peace demanded to know why I was a womaniser.
“Don’t you know, you will get Aids,” she said.
“He probably has it already,” Suzan, the prettiest of the lot jumped in.
Before I could debate my AIDS, Peace jumped in asking Mugisha what kind of wife I had. “A chotera!” he said almost immediately.
“Chotera! Really. Fat. Is she fat? Is she beautiful?” Peace stammered. Not very fat, Mugisha answered. “No wonder he womanises…..choteras are not sweet, they are even cold,” Edith bubbled.
Anyways, the journey ended at a club. I expected to pick a belle and enjoy myself as my friends were going to enjoy. But the chicks didn’t allow for that. First, they tight marked me like I was their husband.
If any saw me talking with a chick, they would hurry and demand to know what she was telling me. The chicks would take off, fearing my wife to thump them.
My friends further made more grave mistakes. Each time their chicks wanted something, expensive drinks or snacks, the guys would declare their brokenness, then beg me in the presence of their chicks to buy for them.
Then out of the blue Peace made me feel her animal. “Is it big or small?” she asked. As I was recovering from that, Edith asked for my number in the presence of her boyfriend.
“Hyena toba nga oyagala kulya my girlfriend,” Godfrey complained. But Edith calmed his worries that she was only going to hook me with a friend. Thereafter, she asked if he didn’t trust her. “I do. But this guy is very dangerous,” he said.
Later on, Peace asked me to send her some airtime, well knowing that by so doing, I was to get her number. Suzan, who all along pretended not to be interested, when in fact, she was very interested, also asked for airtime.
The guys expected to take the girls to their respective homes, but from the club, the girls insisted they be driven back to their hostel, mbu they were not the type that sleep with guys on the first date.
“Wama good night Mr. Hyena,” Edith shouted as she entered the hostel gate.
“Sweet dreams Mr. Hyena,” Peace said pulling herself away from her date.
As we drove off, the guys talked all the nonsense losers say. “It seems these girls are just detoothing us,” Mugisha scoffed. “They seemed more interested in Hyena than us,” Godfrey bubbled. He then vowed to nail his the next time they met.
Meanwhile, the girls must have been saving my number. Next day, I received a text from Peace thanking me for the treat, I gave them. She begged me to stop womanising. On seeing that, I texted back saying that would be on condition.
“What condition?” She asked and I was, “after you give me ko.” Only for her to text back, “Hahaha……..don’t make me laugh! For me – am not easy!” Ignoring her pride, I texted back, “you look sweet.” To which she replied thank you.
Next, she asked me which of Bebe Cool’s songs, I loved the most.
“Teka ssente wolaba,” I said. Only for her to ask me if I could. I reply asking her how much? Only for her to counter ask how much, I could.
So, I said one thousand shillings. “Hahaha! Do I look like a primary school girl to you?” Peace asked then quickly suggested I make 500k to which I was “Eeeee….That’s a lot!”
“That’s little…….am very sweet, I even have water,” Peace shot back. I texted back staking 100k. “If you agree, we shall be doing it once or twice a week,” I said.
Peace replied saying, I make 150k if I was serious.
Eager to nail her as I was, I agreed. And just like that, we met that evening and spent the night wrestling. Next, I went for Edith and Suzan. I will give you their juicy details tomorrow.
Till then, I remain yours truly, Mr. Hyena.