First Grade! Mr. Hyena Crowned a UNBS certified womanizer

“You don’t know how to dance.” It’s a shortcoming women rarely tell Men to their faces. That would be like telling a woman she is as stale as a cucumber.

Sex performance is an issue that’s never discussed.

The moment a female candidly tells her man, he doesn’t know how to bonk, he develops cold feet and may as well brand her a harlot. So they mostly keep mum or be like “you’re OK.” When, in fact, the guy is a sexually retarded moron.

The greatest mistake men make, is assume all women are the same. Yes they look alike, but each woman is uniquely different. So what satisfies Sarah, may not satisfy Aisha, be it they are identical twins.

I for one have been lucky enough, to get a sex performance review from some of your sisters, aunties, besties or wives.

Like Tracy Kirabo. After three years of a secret affair, with my baby momma’s friend Tracy Kirabo, she gave me a review. And, I have no reason not to believe her words.

Like seven months in 2019, I was busy scrolling through my contacts when I landed on Tracy’s number and I was like: “By the way, there is even Tracy……..oba what’s she up to now!”

We had not communicated in over five months. I had kind of forgotten about her.

I decided to call her and see if she was available. Upon calling, she was surprised to receive my call. After formalities, I accused her of getting better dancers and chucking. Only for her to tell me that wasn’t the case.

“Nakwesonyiwa when I saw you ain’t serious. I even moved to Kyotera to live with mama,” Tracy said.

Not fully understanding what she meant, I pressed her to elaborate.

“It’s exactly what I’ve said,” she yapped. That besides meeting in lodges and dancing ourselves until the rooms smelt sex, our affair wasn’t going anywhere.

“I thought you got better dancers and chucked me,” I repeated. To which she was: “No sweet. Is there anyone better than you? You’re the best.”

On hearing that, I was “really!” and Tracy was “I swear upon the living God. You guy, you can dance………it’s the one thing I love about you.”

To that, I was, “and what do other guys do?” in response, Tracy was, “they kugabatukana just! But for you, you go slowly. A woman may think you don’t even know…….Kumbe you’re an expert.”

On hearing that, I was, “come again.” And Tracy was, “it’s exactly as I’ve said.” She had not told me what I wanted to hear. Prompting me to think, I had not asked her properly. But just as I was looking for the best words to ask her,  she said, “the first time, I thought you are a one minute man. You danced me for oba like two minutes and you slept.” That first time, I had just returned from a working safari of Yumbe, I was very tired.

Along the way, my plan was rushing home to sleep, but upon parking the truck, I saw Tracy, my baby momma’s best friend with whom, I had been flirting for some time.

I had been trying to nail her for close to a year. But she was playing hard to get.

Not thinking she was to give me ko, I flirtingly asked her to go give me ko and to my surprise, she accepted. We ended up in a lodge where I did just one mini round and passed out. When she heard me snoring, she left.

“The second time, was more like the first time,” Tracy said. Once again, I was “really!” then asked when the second time was. To which she was, “you don’t even remember! It means sakuwomera!”

To that, I was, “leka gwe…….you’re very delicious……its just am not good at remembering, I even forget my own name.”

For the last bit, I got a tumbavu! After which she told me, “it was in your car on our way from Anna’s kwanjula. You were fast and rough….you even tore my animal. I was like this gu-guy……I will never give him again.”

On hearing that, I was “wangi! Am sorry dear. But you remember the place……I feared people, police or LDUs could find us and put us in Daily Pepper.”  I then asked why she gave me ko the third time. “You pleaded and pleaded prompting me to feel some kindness. I was even broke, I said nothing to do, let me go, give him ko, maybe he will give me 100k. It’s even the day, I fell in love with you.”

“Eee…..I’ve not understood that. It’s the day you fell in love with me?” I asked curiously. Tracy replied in the affirmative. Prompting me to be like, “you mean the first, two times you had given me ko when you didn’t love me?”

To which she confidently replied yes. And I was, “Tracy, you ain’t easy. You even give ko people you don’t love!” Tracy replied asking if I be in love with all the belles, I’ve slept with.

“Yes!” Being my answer for which Tracy gave me a “komanyoko…….go deceive your fellow Batooro!”

I thanked her for that then begged her to tell me how I performed that day.

“That day, you were superb. I don’t even know how to tell you. It seems you first went for training from those kojjas and sengas.

You started by kissing my lips then you went for my breasts and I was like awono! Then you moved south and started eating the sumbie.”

I jumped in asking whether I ate it well or poorly. That made her laugh. “You ate well……very well.” But being the Thomas, I am, I was like “really.”

And she was, “Yes. I swear…….you focused on the sugar plump. I enjoyed so much.” Out of curiosity, I asked how other guys eat it. Without divulging into details, Tracy said “they just lick….lick. But for you, you focused on the sugar plump until, I finished in your mouth.”

“Thank you madam, for finishing in my mouth….thank you very much!” I kukuluma driving her into laughter. After which she asked if it was bad. Then said, “but you also fire in my mouth.

Next she told me there was nothing sexually enriching like finishing in a man’s mouth. “Apart from licking ice cream well. What else, am I good at?” The answer to which was everything. “And you man it seems you are top womaniser.”

I instantly asked why to which she replied,  “how did you learn all those techniques.”

“Watching movies then practicing on you, Suzan and my wife,” I said.  But Tracy didn’t believe and so gave me another komanyoko.

“You’re a UNBS certified  womanizer…..admit ko for once. Am not going to tell Suzan or chuck you…but those techniques you do, a person can’t do them if he has not slept with a lot of belles….don’t deceive me mbu blue movies. Okay tell me….Which blue movie teaches akembarara?

It seems, you have slept with belles from all tribes,” she said accusingly. Curiously, I asked what styles she loves the most. The answer to which was “all of them.” Which couldn’t be. Because, like you, every person has their favorite.

So, I pressed her to tell me only for her to counter insist that I tell her first. And I was, “me…mine let’s see….I love your doggie.” On hearing that, Tracy jumped in saying, “I knew, you would say that.

What else?”and I was, “even you cow-girling is the sweetest and your lollipopping.” Thereafter, I begged her to tell me – her favorites. “Number one akembarara, you do that very well, I enjoy it very much.

Number two cowgirl. Your animal has stamina and it’s long enough it reaches my core. Number three missionary then four dirty talk……those are ones you do me well.”

“So my animal has stamina?” I wondered only for Tracy to strongly standby her word. “Yes. Lots of it!”

Next I asked why then she had chucked me. “You ain’t serious…… only think of me when your other women turn you down,” she said.

Not making bones on her observation and opinions, I begged her for break up bonk after which, we would become brother and sista. “Come to Kyotera.” Minutes later, car fuelled, I was driving to Kyotera.

Till then, I remain yours truly, Mr. Hyena.

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