SPARE TIRE! Mr. Hyena named caretaker, feasts on pal’s family

Michael’s serpent can’t reach his first wife’s itchiest spots. I got that exclusive information from the wife herself. It’s now apparent; my troubles with friends wives won’t end soon. They instead keep adding up day and night.

Three years ago, Michael approached me and asked me to take care of his two wives while he was away on kyeyo. That being a very big task, I resisted and gave all kinds of lame excuses. I suggested that he hands such responsibility to his siblings or any other members of his immediate family.

But he refused and begged me to be there for him. Now, until that moment, I never considered Michael to be one of my bosom buddies. Yes, we talked and he being a boda rider we did some business together, but nothing beyond that.

As a matter of fact, he didn’t even know the true me. On the other hand, I didn’t know his wives that much. I had only met them a few times. He had introduced me to them as his friend. The wives greeted me respectfully. But that, to me, wasn’t ground enough for me to take care of them.

Anyways, Michael pleaded telling me how I was the only person in the whole world he could entrust his families with. “Hyena gwe oli wamukago!” Michael declared to me.

I had no option but to agree because after all, he was to send money to look after them. My duty was to give the wives money whenever they wanted it, plus building homes for them as per Michael’s instructions.

Shortly after he had left, I approached each to set my rules as the new man of their houses. Michael was the kind of dude who buys one sachet of salt and only buys another after the previous is used up.

On the other hand, I prefer stocking things. So, I used the bulk of the money he left me to stock stuff for the two wives.

Like six months went past without incident, but half way through the seventh month, Michael’s first wife, mama Michelle, who for some time had been calling and texting telling me how she wasn’t sleeping well, begged to have a face to face meeting.

On asking if there was a problem she was, “Yes, a very big one!”

I almost abandoned what I was doing to go see what was wrong. “Is any of the children sick?” I asked only for her to tell me, that wasn’t the case. “It’s me that is.”

Not suspecting her true motive, I told her I would be at her place in three hours time. You see, I was minutes from boning some major’s wife.

“Am not home at the moment, let’s meet around Kutano,” I said, you see, she lives in Natete.

After enjoying the major’s wife, I set off to see what was eating up mama Michelle. She was waiting for me at some classy eatery. After the formalities, she thanked me for taking good care of her family.

“I don’t know about mama Junior, but as for me – I am not complaining. As a matter of fact, I am more well looked after than even when Michael was around,”Mama Michelle clicked.

I thanked her for the compliment only for her to say “BUT!”

She paused and drew in a deep breath which she then released once. That was a sign of something very serious. “What is it?” I asked before begging her to be free with me as she usually was with her husband.

However, deep inside of me was thinking, she wanted to ask me for money. Only for her to surprise my curiosity when she asked, “according to you what does it mean when someone says I’ve left my family in your hands?”

Not understanding the hidden agenda of the question, I replied asking if anything was the matter. I then asked a silly question “Is there anything I am not providing you with?”

“Yes” was her answer. “ Rent and food are covered, but in my case. I won’t speak for my co – wife, because she may not be having the same problem or she may be having a solution to it. I lack warmth.”

I briefly developed kiyenya mutwe. It was like I had not heard properly. And I almost had a heart attack.

I kwesesaamajemulukuffu. Part of me even thought it was a slip of the tongue.

“I thought, you have a blanket and weather jackets,” I said. Only for the woman to boldly say, “you know what I mean.”

Noticing how serious and courageous she was, I said “I thought, maybe you have someone taking care of that.”

To which she replied reminding me that she was left under my care. “If I remember correctly, he said ‘if you need anything tell him….he is a good understanding man’.”

She then asked if she heard him wrong. “You’re right.” Was my answer.

Next, was me lamenting how I thought my duties were to buy food, clothes and take care of other bills.

To which mama Michelle said, “those and me if not us.” To which I replied asking if she had thought of the repercussions if Michael finds out.

“We shall be very careful,” Was her suggestion. Then told me how she wasn’t an adulterous woman. Just a woman who was used to being serviced regularly. “But why me of all men?” I begged to know.

“I could have got another man to do it. But you’ve been so good to us, taken care of us better than Michael did. It will be bulyazamanya to get someone else to service me or us yet it’s you sweating for us.”

If those words were coming out of an ugly-hippo-like woman, I would have said something like, “Satan go away!” but from behind mama Michelle looks like Stecia, so bootylicious and yummy looking.

When Michael first introduce us, I thought guys in the area were feasting on her on a daily basis. I even fantasized about her when I was with other women. And when he told me he was traveling, I had silently thought guys were going to chew her day and night.

Anyways, I replied thanking her for gathering the courage to say what was on her mind. But I kwekazad and said, “I thought that was senga’s duty.” You see, Michael had strategically placed a sister in each of his homes.

“Do, I look like a lesbian to you?” Was her question answer. I then told her how I was lazy and more like impotent. But mama Michelle laughed it off. “The whole you be lazy!” she was now kulola like was about to pass out.

Seeing no point in beating around the bush, I asked when she wanted me to start performing my extra duty which wasn’t preplanned. “Today, tomorrow or next week or next month?” The answer to which was today.

Time check was close to 5pm.On asking if she knew a cozy place, we would enjoy ourselves, her wise answer was no then suggested I find one fast.

I called a waitress and asked if she knew a safe cozy bonking den. The waitress happily gave us directions and off we went. Mama Michelle was swept off her feet by my performance.

Borrowing a football jargon, I scored a ‘heart trick’. “Sebbo, you are lazy and impotent!” mama Michelle poked me as she washed my equipment after we were done. “Am I not?” I asked to which she said, “you have the strength of a thousand men.”

From that evening, we’ve been meeting and doing it once or several times a month or week. And her connection morale boosted me to better do good for her and husband. In my free time, I helped build Michael’s two homes like they were mine.

Last month, Michael returned and I thought my affair with his wife had ended. But wapi! The woman said I was an asset too valuable to be given up on.

To avoid soiling the good name, I’ve made for myself, I decided to avoid mama Michelle. Which I was successfully doing until three days ago when she called and told me how Michael doesn’t reach her itchiest spot.

“Take there! When you’ve produced five children,” I clicked trying to get her tired.

“Sir, impregnating and sexually satisfying a woman are two different things. Forgive me for spilling bedroom secrets, but the truth is Michael can’t satisfy me. His animal is short and small. If you have a way of seeing it. See it.”

“That can’t be, when he has two fat wives. His animal must be like twice the size and length of mine,” I played naïve hoping to squeeze more info out of mama Michelle.

She replied laughing before going on to say “I will send it to you on WhatsApp.

He doesn’t even have stamina…..he just beeps me. Basajjakwepapalika, because if he can’t satisfy me, there is no way, he satisfies eri ebaki y’omuyarwanda. I look at him and feel sorry for him.”

That found me recovering from the shock of Juliet Nsungwa stopping me and demanding to know why I wasn’t kwana her. I will give you those juicy details tomorrow.

Till then, I remain yours truly, Mr.Hyena.