CHEWING SISTERS! Mr Hyena’s Mother-In-Law Helps Him Dodge Wife’s Wrath
“In-law, your wife has found out that you kwepicha with her sister.”
That was how my mother-in-law tipped me off. To be honest, that is not exactly how she put it. She said, “Your wife has found out about you and her sister.”
As an elder, she could not directly say kwepicha, so she used the diplomatic expression, “found out about you and her sister.”
Madina is my favourite mother-in-law of all time. Can you imagine this woman covers up for me whenever her daughter, Hamida, catches me chewing other belles? Even when I was nabbed for chewing my sister-in-law Halima, Madina still came to my rescue.
Gwe! Some women are understanding.
Barely two weeks after Kabashagazi of Ntungamo vowed to chop off my head for playing his two daughters, I received a call from my other mother-in-law, Madina. I immediately wondered what she wanted.
“Hello, Maama,” I answered in my humblest voice.
“Hello, Taata. How are you?” she replied in an equally soft tone.
She then informed me that there was trouble in my house. Naturally, I wanted to know what was going on.
“Your wife has found out about you and Halima,” Madina said.
My heart missed several beats. But my brain, being the supercomputer it is, immediately suspected that Madina and Hamida were trying to squeeze incriminating information out of me.
“She has found out about me and Halima? Found out what?” I asked innocently. “What did we do?”
I asked as though I had no idea what she was talking about.
“My son, I only called to warn you so that you can be on your guard. But I know everything. Halima told me how you helped her replace her missing teeth and all the goodies you have been giving her.”
I listened quietly.
“I know the whole story. Hafiswa became jealous and told Hamida about you and Halima. But I have deceived Hamida that it is your sidekick Uchumi who loves Halima. Hamida is coming to check your phone.”
On hearing that, I concurred with the Luganda saying, omwana omuwala asera ne nnyina—a daughter can share secrets with her mother.
I have never confided in my father about any of my exploits, but apparently, mothers and daughters operate on a different level.
“Maama, you should have kukunya Hafiswa’s lips with kamyu for being a lugambo,” I joked.
I thanked her for the tip-off and immediately checked my call logs. I deleted every trace of communication between Halima and me.
Next, I looked for Uchumi, who already knew about my affairs with my three sisters-in-law, except Halima, whose number I was about to save in his phone.
I begged him to cover my back and, above all, not to turn around and chew Halima himself.
Uchumi threatened to revenge because I had chewed his chic a year earlier.
“Bro, it was Jackie who begged me to chew her. I did not force myself on her,” I pleaded.
But as the saying goes, omukadde akwasiza kumeere ye—once someone catches you with your own tricks, you are in trouble.
Uchumi had me cornered. He insisted that I pay him one gorilla note before he agreed to save Halima’s number in his phone.
I paid.
An hour later, Hamida came to our ka-office and asked to borrow my phone because she wanted to call someone.
I innocently handed it over. She checked it but found nothing incriminating.
Then she asked Uchumi for his phone.
Bingo!
There was Halima, saved under the name BigSize Saloon.
After handing Uchumi his phone, Hamida turned to me with a face that looked ready for war.
“You are spending the night at my place,” she ordered.
“But the kisanja isn’t yours,” I protested.
“Don’t tell me about your stupid bisanja! Tonight, you are sleeping at my place. You must be there by 7pm, or else you will know that I have crossed River Nile!”
Uchumi immediately jumped in.
“Do not threaten us!”
“Uchumi, stay out of married people’s issues!” Hamida snapped.
He raised his hands in surrender.
“Is there any problem?” I asked, pretending to be confused.
“No problem,” Hamida replied before storming out.
I followed her, pretending to be concerned, and asked what was wrong. She refused to reveal anything.
Back at the ka-office, Uchumi looked at me and shook his head.
“Your head will be chopped off tonight. Better leave me something in your will,” he joked.
I laughed, although deep down I knew the situation was getting serious.
Come 2pm, I was relaxing at Monica’s takeaway when Hafiswa walked in.
“Hi, my sweet mula!” she greeted joyfully, as though she had committed no crimes against me.
She ordered a soda and a snack on my bill before asking, “Will I see you tonight?”
“I have other programmes,” I replied.
“Which programmes? Chewing Halima?”
I begged her to leave the innocent girl alone.
“Do not think she is like you, who kwanas sister’s husbands,” Hafiswa retorted before bursting into laughter.
She then ordered me to stop pretending because everybody knew about Halima and me.
“You have been giving her gifts and sleeping with her. Even the other night, when Hami was in Iganga, you spent the night with Mima. I know everything!”
Before replying, I switched off her phone, just in case she was recording our conversation.
“Suppose it is true, how is it your concern? Are you my wife?” I asked.
“H amida is my sister! I do not want you infecting her with AIDS. And, by the way, I am your wife! Is there anything married people do that we have never done?”
She sounded serious.
“You have now stood me up three times, but whenever Halima calls, you go running. If you have chucked me, tell me. I do not want to glue myself to you.”
I could not help giggling.
“What?” I asked.
“Yes! Tell me, and I will get a new boyfriend instead of wasting my time on someone who does not love me.”
Hafiswa was now fully warmed up.
“It seems I am not sweet enough for you. Whenever the sweet ones call, you go running. But we, the not-so-sweet ones, are left waiting and waiting. Tell me the truth so I can stop wasting my time.”
“Well, you started this affair. You still have all the powers to end it,” I replied.
She stared at me as though she wanted to slap or strangle me.
“Naye musajja gwe okwasa obusungu!”
But what I had said was the bitter truth.
Five months earlier, while returning from servicing Pastor Sarah, I had stopped at a fast-food joint along Kawala Road to buy roasted meat and chips. Pastor Sarah had thoroughly emptied my stomach, and I needed to refuel.
As I placed my order, Hafiswa, who was passing by, spotted me and stopped.
“Buy me chips and chicken,” she demanded.
“How will I benefit?” I asked.
“You benefit from my sister.”
“Then go home and eat what she has cooked,” I retorted.
Hafiswa leaned towards my ear and whispered, “Let’s go, and we give ko ourselves.”
We had flirted several times before, and being my grandfather’s offspring, I was ready to bite at the slightest opportunity.
“Say it again!” I challenged.
She repeated herself confidently.
Not sure whether she meant it, I said, “Let me first touch ko.”
Little did I know that my sister-in-law, who had apparently been harbouring similar desires, was equally ready for action.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me closer.
“Madam, pack five chicken thighs, chips worth Shs5,000 and all the ebigenderako,” I ordered.
Hafiswa burst into laughter, accusing me of being a very funny man.
One advantage of having several women is that you can sleep somewhere else while each one believes you are at another woman’s place.
Officially, I have three wives. That arrangement has helped me spend nights at lodges and at the homes of various baby mamas without raising suspicion among the official wives.
No wonder most belles kunyirira these days. They know how to seize an opportunity.
After ordering the food, Hafiswa demanded yoghurt as well. We stopped at a supermarket, where she picked two yoghurts while I grabbed a large bottle of water, an energy drink and my favourite soda.
Thinking we were headed for a quickie, I booked us into a cheap guesthouse near the road so that we could easily find transport afterwards.
Once inside, I moved in for a kiss.
“Wait!” she exclaimed, pushing me away.
“I only want a kiss,” I pleaded.
“I don’t kiss,” she insisted.
Yet she had pecked my cheeks several times before, so I suspected she was joking. I tried again, but she pushed me away and made it clear that I needed to respect her boundaries.
After some teasing and negotiations, we settled down to enjoy our snacks.
“Where are the condoms?” she asked.
“Do you think I am going to give you live?” she added.
I told her I never ate sweets in wrappers.
“Awo tubireka, ssebo! Whom do you want to infect with your AIDS?” she shot back.
I retaliated by saying that if I had AIDS, her sister Hamida would have it too.
Our conversation moved on, with our legs entwined and occasional flirtatious exchanges.
“What do you love most about me?” she asked.
“What I love most about you?” I exclaimed, looking her straight in the face.
Every man knows the obvious answer, but since I had not seen that particular feature of hers, I settled for the safer option.
“Your lips.”
“My lips?” she scoffed.
“Yes, I love your lips very much.”
“So, if I give you the lips, will you be satisfied and we go?”
I said yes, prompting her to stretch her neck towards me.
“Kiss them, and we go.”
“Well, not just kissing them. There is also the lollipopping of my Mr Mister,” I replied.
Hafiswa settled back.
“Tuuuu!” she spat.
She begged me not to make her vomit what she had eaten.
“I don’t lollipop,” she insisted.
I asked why.
“I don’t!”
She advised me to reserve such activities for her sister and my other wives.
Next, she wanted to know why I was such a womaniser.
“Why accuse me of such an evil habit?” I asked.
She stood her ground, claiming that I was giving her sister sleepless nights.
She then began listing the women she suspected I was seeing.
“Jesca of mobile money, the fuel-pump attendant, even that ghost-like Sudanese Dinka. Should I continue?”
I had boned all the women she mentioned, but I denied everything.
“Besides my wives, you are now my only other woman,” I assured her.
“Hehehe! Go deceive your naive Hamida, not me, Kauda Hafiswa! I am probably number twenty on your list of side dishes.”
Hafiswa then laid down the terms and conditions for our illicit affair.
First, no love calls or text messages because Hamida regularly checked her phone.
Second, I was not to save her number.
“You must cram my number. After calling, delete it from your dialled or received calls.”
Third, no staring at her in public.
“Your wife is suspicious. If she is around, avoid being around me. From today, no flirting or joking together. We are enemies!”
“Enemies?” I exclaimed. “Yet we are going to chew ourselves?”
“That is exactly how we shall behave if we want to avoid detection,” she insisted.
“Well, you are the expert. I will do as you wish,” I replied.
I thanked the Almighty for finally granting me an opportunity to enjoy the company of this belle.
“Please, God, grant me strength,” I prayed under my breath.
My prayer made Hafiswa giggle.
“Have you always kwesunga me?” she asked.
“Every warm-blooded man does,” I boasted.
“Togenda kunfirako gwe!” she teased.
I boldly replied that I would survive.
What followed was an afternoon of intimacy, teasing and the sort of exaggerated romance that makes a man forget that he has a wife waiting at home.
Upon seeing Hafiswa without her usual clothes, I discovered that some of the things I had imagined about her were rather different in reality.
Her figure was not exactly what her outfits suggested, and some of her other features surprised me.
Unlike her sister Hamida, my baby mama, Hafiswa wore waist beads and had taken care of her grooming.
She was also wearing a G-string, which cemented my suspicion that she might have been on a romantic mission before our encounter.
I was so surprised by some of the things I discovered that I nearly made the sign of the cross.
“Are you going to eat food to make that?” she giggled.
“Of course! This is food,” I replied.
Without wasting much time, we got carried away in the moment.
Before visiting Pastor Sarah earlier, I had taken a stamina booster that I believed had increased my performance by about 500 per cent.
Pastor Sarah had only consumed about 20 per cent of the charge before receiving an emergency call that her daughter had gone into labour. She had therefore given me only one round.
My battery, as I saw it, was still fully charged.
By the third round with Hafiswa, she was already making comments about my performance.
“No wonder your wife spends all day dosing at work,” she remarked.
The good thing, according to my own account, was that I was not rough. I was simply enjoying myself.
We spent the following two days behaving like newlyweds.
Like every man who chews sisters or close friends, I could not help comparing them.
And in some departments, Hafiswa was better than her sister. She was creative, playful and livelier than I had expected.
Then came Halima, her much sweeter sister, who had also caught my eye.
By then, Hafiswa had fallen in love with me and did not want Halima joining our love triangle.
Chewing two sisters is great, but chewing three or more is even more awesome, at least in the inflated imagination of Mr Hyena.
It makes me feel like an emperor.
Unfortunately, Hafiswa had been complaining about Halima for some time. So, when I stood her up three times while continuing to meet Halima, her brain finally boiled over.
She reported me to Hamida, my official wife in the family.
Now the whole family is involved, my mother-in-law is working behind the scenes, Uchumi is waiting for revenge, and Hamida has ordered me to report to her house by 7pm.
What happened when I finally got home?
Gwe, do not miss the next episode. Hamida was waiting, and I had no idea what she had planned for her unfaithful husband!
Yours Truly Mr.Hyena.
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