After sex review? Fellow men do you do it?
During sex, especially with new people, we make a lot of blunders. So afterwards, I normally review my performance. Do you do so as well?
If you chew a belle that’s swallowed more than five dudes (most have swallowed over 20), she looks at your way of doing things and silently be like “I thought, he knows how to dance.” Or “He’s the best I’ve ever swallowed.”
Sadly, there isn’t a manual a man can follow during this ceremony. Bonking is a ritual with no clear formula. Yes, we all tend to start by kissing and caressing, but for how long should we do that compared to how long we do it.
Besides, circumstances under which an opportunity arises may not permit him to follow the guidelines.
Like the time I first boned Halima, Mrs. Luyima, I panicked and rushed.
Several years ago I vibed Halima, a Zuena look-alike. She was married to one Luyima, with whom they lived less than one hundred meters from my shop. She was very attractive, stubborn, friendly and talkative so everyone around knew her.
Halima’s husband Luyima, was broke and looked naïve making this couple seem like a mismatch. This gave almost every guy, courage to hit on her.
“If I ever get hold of you, I will drill you until you hear fire coming out,” Denis, a Boda Boda guy once told her.
In response, she said “amanyi amemanye gamisa whopper egumba mugulu.” That as God was giving the various body parts bones, the whopper suddenly stood up and said, “I was super minus a bone….so when I get a bone, am going to be incredible.”
That angered the angel who was to install the bone and threw it away.
Anyway, Halima and I were busy having a flirt-ilationship under which, we had kissed three times and I had felt her donk and man-eater, when God delivered her to me so unexpectedly.
One Sunday evening, when it had rained and electricity was off, I stayed inside the shop using a torch for light.
Those days, there was no peace at my home, the bed wasn’t shaking and madam wasn’t talking to me because I had been nabbed chewing a neighbor’s wife.
So, to avoid fighting, I always returned home late at 11pm or past midnight.
During that time, I normally got to chew one or two belles, after which, I would arrive home tired and sleep like a log until morning.
So there I was in my shop. Of the twenty or so shops on the street, Mine, Prince’s and Mafende’s were the only shops still open at that dark 10pm hour.
I was in the shop praying to God to send me one ka woman in whom to download before I went home, when a taxi pulled over in front of my shop. Out of it popped a belle. “Who is she? Where is she going? I hope she comes to buy something,” I said to myself.
From the taxi, the belle walked straight to my shop and as she got closer she said, “But Hyena, you love money! Eeeh! All other shops have closed, but you’re still here…….will they bury you with money?”
It was Halima. She was returning from an outing. Formalities followed after which, she asked me of the whereabouts of my wife. “In the village, looking after her sick mother,” I said.
“Oooh poor woman! She left you here alone! Kati ndowoza kyewekola……everyday you bone five or ten. You’re probably waiting for the one you’re going to spend the night with,” Halima jabbed.
I replied denying knowledge of what she was saying. Then I counter accused her of just returning from an adultery mission. An accusation she denied. “Bambi, I was with my girls…….they bought me just two beers after which I came here.”
I deliberately didn’t believe her and so insisted on feeling the sumbie and finding out myself. “There it is!” Halima said, spreading her legs. Until this evening, my hand and fingers never went beyond the knickers.
I zeroed in on her and my right hand went to work. Upon sliding the knickers aside, I put the middle finger to good use. Halima responded by kwenyogotola and hissing. “Stop it before you put me in the mood,” She begged.
It’s very easy for a man to lose his life. I had once heard a rumor that Luyima’s first wife had died of AIDS and he was on ARVs. There was also another rumor circulating that Halima was an undercover thigh vendor.
The fear of her AIDS had kept me at bay. So many times, I had encountered her in alleys or even at her house without antivirus and let her be, fearing she would infect me.
But on this dark cold evening, I decided to take a risk. And so, stealthily, I used my left hand to unzip and unleashed the black viper.
After which, I directed it into its official cooling chamber.
But just as the snake head greeted the pylons, Halima suggested I first close the door which, I did. As I returned from the door, I saw her pulling off the knickers.
Deep inside I was like, “she wants to infect me, but I will be gentle and will buy morning after pills from nurse Joyce, early in the morning.”
Next was my kugabatukana, we started in the chair, but it made friction sounds, so we moved down to a magic mountain. Unlike most women who let men do them, Halima worked back.
She even made loud sawuti ya wabibi, which worried me that someone may hear us. So, I pushed her backwards and snaked on top of her for a missionary. She didn’t object. But alas! Two minutes into the missionary, I fired all available bullets.
Judging by her body language, Halima was fully aroused but I was spent, broken like a ragdoll.
I roared like a Gorilla to let her know I had reached the promised land. She wrapped her legs and arms around me and asked, “kati you have finished?”
And I gave lame excuses of “yes. I had not done it in a long time. And you’re very hot…….I couldn’t control myself. We shall do it another time……but here people may find us.”
Shortly thereafter, Halima left. Nobody saw her leave. I soon closed the shop and left too. For a while, I felt an aura of accomplishment, but around 1am, I reviewed the match and was like:
“Iiiii……I didn’t finger her. Nor did I use the skewer to tickle her devil’s door bell. I should have jazzed her pylons. Eeee…but her animal is big! It’s even bigger than her landlord’s wife.”
Remembering her working forward during magic mountain plus her kwenyogotola, I concluded that she was good. “I need to get a proper day for her. And do her thoroughly.”
At the end of the review, I concluded, I had performed very poorly. And so started preparing and warming up for a rematch. That will be a tale for another day.
Till then , I remain yours truly, Mr. Hyena.
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