NEVER MARRY A LUGBARA BABE

By Musa Nkono

Geographically, the Lugbara live in the West Nile Districts of Arua, Maracha –Terego, Yumbe and a part of Koboko. The colonial era has also cut some of the clans to DR. Congo and Southern Sudan. Though history links Lugbara to Ibo of Nigeria which means both have that thick accent in speech. A typical Lugbara babe who has not seen modernization presents with thick lips, steel wire like hair that sometimes resembles a swarm of house flies, dark skinned and a heavy stiff body. Most of these babes have medium bums with few possessing flat backs and others are well gifted with Kapapala (read bouncing ‘nyash’). Hold your breath and read this before you lick your lips wanting to feast on any Lugbara babe.

Shy & sadist names

Lugbara babes are shy with sadist names like Candiru, Lekuru, Bako, Abiria, Angucia, Efiyo, which literally mean, troublesome, unlovable, no relatives, starvation, without place, rare smiles etc. Of course just hearing about these names alone will make your gologo freeze to zero degrees.

Logs in bed

Anyone who has ever shafted a Lugbara babe would never blame some of the mortuary attendants who shaft dead women. A Lugbara babe just lies dead on the bed pretending to be asleep because of their shyness. You will shaft her without any noise apart from the sound that comes when your body touches hers. Brave ones just tell you to cover their Kandahar if you are done or tired of shafting. These babes are best described as ‘logs’ in bed affairs.

Hate doggie style

Don’t ever attempt to shaft a Lugbara babe in doggy style because she might think you want her ar*e and call you a homosexual. The only sex style they know and recommend for their bonkmates to apply is the traditional missionary fashion. No lugbara babe would accept to lay with her face upwards for your entry to navigate her Kandahar while between her legs because they think that style exposes their innermost structures of the forbidden fruit. They like a style of spreading cassava on a rock to dry. Other shafting techniques like Hyena jazz band are non existent and foreplay is a waste of your energy as this is replaced by wrestling. If you insist on your doggie style, she will just ‘pupu’ on you.

Superglue

Away matches and s3x before marriage are not recognized in Lugbara culture hence one has to labour by abducting a babe to take home for a wife. You have to wrestle with her one at home to access her Kandahar. If you pass all the tedious tests and manage to shaft her, she will become your wife for life till death shall do you apart. She then super-glues you like a leech and to separate with her, it will cost you dearly.

Too jealous

A Lugbara babe will not hesitate to employ her traditional hunting techniques to locate you when late at home. She will search all happening places to find why you delay to come home after work. This will result in a fierce fight if she gets you with another babe regardless of whether that is your workmate, sister or a spare tyre. Don’t forget that as being from amongst hunters and wrestlers she will be armed to the tooth with knives, pangas, spears and ready to wrestle her co-wife. You should also expect bloodshed if not death or loss of tooth. These babes are too jealous that they may resort to committing suicide after failing to bring their co-wives to their knees.

Too deadly

Marrying a Lugbara babe could as well be treacherous as importing weapons of mass destruction. Stories are told that some Lugbara clans have tradition that their daughter must kill 4-6 relatives of her hubby by use of a local poison before she bears children with her husband or else she remains barren for life. The Lugbara chemist extracts the poison from snakes, poisonous animals and plants. When you land on such a babe, be sure of 4-6 graves in the compound.

Tough

Don’t be surprised to meet a wrestler than a bonkmate that you expected her to be when it comes to matters of mazongoto. If you marry her as your longtime bedmate, she might spend months without shafting you unless you overpower her and wrestle her down. But of course with the recent scarcity of responsible men and moral decadence, this has forced several Lugbara babes to abandon the crude cultural traditions. Many now still claim that only thigh vendors can display and offer their Kandahar for shafting without resistance. They have a common white lie that they are virgins. That is why to allow you free access to their Kandahar is a hard task as this is forbidden by the tradition. Even if the babe has been shafted a century times, it’s the norm to put up resistance against any intruder to her thighs. If you are that unlucky guy, be ready to starve for time till you gain strength to wrestle her and lay her down for a shaft session.

S3x-death marathons

These fights for Kandahar in the bedroom at times culminate into deaths. A folk story is told of a man who abducted his babe for a wife. But the whole matter turned out to be fatal after the supposed groom wrested the bride on a peg that pierced through her abdomen and killed her instantly. It is said that the groom boozefied the babe after failing to shaft her in one month’s time. He then used excess force to wrestle the woman on a local bed made of four poles planted as stands and a stretcher on top. It was one of the poles that accidentally killed the bride. The poor son had his home raided by the relatives of the deceased who set all the huts within the vicinity of 300 meters radius ablaze. Animals and property were looted yet the man incurred losses of paying bride price, traditional fines for murder including charges of a dead body in addition to the massive looting of his village.

Dry Beans

You would think that such troublesome ventures through wrestling for Kandahar would lead you to paradise. When you actually conquer her you will meet a dry Kandahar without any drop of water just like the Sahara desert of North Africa. Some of the babes are so dry and rough that your whopper will get bruised because of the ‘thorns’ in their Kandahars. If you never exhausted your energy in wrestling for the unknown pleasure, the rough caste Kandahar will obviously put you off as soon as you attempt to shaft her.

Weird behavior

Unfortunate search for a Lugbara babe could land you on a witch. These may not be the common witches that use charms to kill or disorganize your gologo but those hairy powers to fly high and run faster than a speedy car at night. By the time your libido rockets high to shaft she would be thousand kilometers away. And if you dare elope with their babe. They can easily castrate you. They will force you to pay “Kasuru Beyi” to save your balls. “Kasuru Beyi” literacy means spoiling the price which is a fine for eloping with a babe.

Good at gossip

The fact that education has enabled some Lugbara babes to learn traditions of other cultures, but it has never removed the culture of gossiping in them. When two or more babes get together, know that gossiping and rumour-mongering rates highest in their discussions. Your bed affairs top the topics of such gossip. This would vary from discussing the size of their men’s whoppers to the number of men they have ever bonked and style used. These gossiping babes have a library of sex tales that takes their day time and by the time they recover it would be late for them to take up domestic cores. They always demand for house maids to do house work and ensure that everything is in order without them.

Generous

Educated Lugbara babes are so generous in offering their Kandahar to any willing party. It’s said that others allow horny dogs to lick them. Offering their Kandahar for shafting with resistance is attributed to the traditional norm that forbids the babes to taste whoppers at a young age. But when these babes go on a test ride during their stay in secondary schools and higher institutions of learning, they go on a rampage. They literally explode in shafting that when married it won’t be a surprise for your child to resemble a neighbor or a former school mate.

Detoothers

The so-called modern Lugbara babes are worse than their illiterate counterparts. They have expertise in de-toothing and when married they gather the entire clan at your home for you to care after. Family members who are unable to reach your home have to submit their demands during festive seasons. Keep in mind that they always seek to marry wealthy men. This is the reason many educated Lugbara babes have failed to get permanent bonkmates and are career women. Be ready with Shs20m to marry an educated Lugbara babe of the so called elite class. But after this, expect to continue carrying the burden of her relatives till death. Death alone does not stop the relatives from demanding from you. This is because you are expected to pay over three herds of cattle to her relatives once she is dead. Talk of robbing the bereaved family. However, should she survive death and things go wrong, a Lugbara babe will sweep your pad clean of all household property and transfer it to her next bonkmate.

Drunkards

A typical Lugbara babe will have her breakfast, lunch and supper from a bar. You will find them in every bar in this town downing their pints as if there is no tomorrow. But the good thing is that they drink what is available and what your pocket can afford including their local brew; kwete, nguli and malwa.

BUT on a good note;

Lugbara babes are very faithful to their men and would kill for that. If you marry her and remain faithful to her, be sure, she will not cheat on you till death does you apart. But if you want trouble, let her get you cheating on her.

Fertile

I was reading a certain Census report which indicates that Lugbara babes are too fertile. They can pop more than seven tots in their lifetime and one who dares to talk of family planning calls for separation. They want to produce as many kids as promised by the creator, to fill the earth and subdue it.

Thanks to technology and modernization. We now have Lugbara babes branded in all sizes and colours. Education and urbanization have polished some of the crude norms that would make these babes look unpalatable to potential visiting consumers.

This column returns next week.

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