MR. HYENA OVERDOSE! I was chucked for being good in bed
Women are the most difficult to understand of all creations. Forgive me for comparing them to toddlers. But it’s toddlers that are equally arduous.
While most women cheat on their men for being weak in bed, I’ve been chucked by several for being superb in that department. The most recent being Mrs. Opwa. So I am now asking myself what do women like?
If you lived around Nsambya police barracks in 2015, you may be familiar with an extra dark cop’s wife with pot like bums that wiggle to each step she takes. I will call her Mrs. Opwa but it’s not her real name.
Mid 2015, while in Nsambya chilling with friends, I was swept off my feet by a rare northern jewel who walked by joggling her booty provokingly. I told mama Akello of my sudden interest.
Mama Akello – who has connected me to several cops wives swung into action, convinced Mrs. Opwa into letting me encroach on her husband’s favorite meal.
Her husband being a broke cop, it didn’t take that much convincing. Am sure she used the following script.
Mama Akello: Some guy is interested in you. To which Mrs. Opwa must have been like: which one? Mama Akello must have pointed at me and told her stuff like he even has money and works in the State House.
Curious, Mrs. Opwa followed mama Akello to meet mwah and I being a healthy hunk must have equally swept her off her feet. We introduced ourselves. I declared my interest to which she asked for some time to think about it.
Mrs. Opwa okayed mama Akello to give me – her number such that we would talk privately. Three days later, I called and begged to spend the day with her.
Whereas men that have never chewed cops wives fear thinking the wives would report or even afande would shoot them, I’ve been chewing cops wives since my senior two days and have never been shot despite chewing on average five a year.
Anyways, we met in town and started eating ourselves process by process right away. And in the following three months, we chewed ourselves more times than some married flocked do in a year.
It was more like she wasn’t married. Because almost everyday, she would beg to see me. “Even today, it’s itching or you missed a spot” she would say.
I for one wasn’t in love. I was merely using her like I do lots of other belles. But it was evident, Mrs. Opwa was madly infatuated. She behaved so in love.
But after some time, she developed cold feet towards me by not picking my calls and whenever she picked them, she would feed me lame stories prompting me to think, she had found out mama Akello connecting me to an Iteso woman in the barracks.
I deleted her number on grounds of closed chapter. However, in early 2019 she called. I was surprised. After formalities, I confessed my expected chucking only for Mrs. Opwa to say: I had chucked you.
That prompted me to ask why I was expecting a “because you were chewing Eva the Iteso belle” answer, but she said: “because you were going to wreck my marriage.”
I couldn’t help it but ask how. “The things you were doing to me. I had stopped loving my husband,” she said in a northern accent.
“You have stopped loving your husband?” I exclaimed to which she replied, “Yes. I was only loving you. Even when he begged me, I would tell him – I am sick. I was only thinking of you. My husband reported me to my family.”
“That what?” I curiously asked. “That my wife has changed, she has other men and no longer gives me.” At that point, I asked why she wasn’t balancing the boat. “His (her husband’s) animal is not sweet like yours……he doesn’t know those styles you made me.”
“You mean your husband doesn’t know missionary?” I asked. Mrs. Opwa – who was speaking like possessed by a spirit said: “he knows missionary. Every man knows it. But his missionary is not delicious like yours.
You even teach me that amazon style. Allo! That style is very sweet! Even akembarara my husband never did it. You’re even strong, you could dance me standing when you were carrying me.
No man has ever danced with me standing and walking. Even if your animal is very strong it dances pakalast. But my husband, just five minutes and he falls. But in every style, you’re strong pakalast.”
At that point, I jumped in asking which of all the styles was sweetest. To which Mrs. Opwa was “that style you did when Besigye went to Namboole to get nominated.”
That was the last day we had met. And we had done so many freaky styles, I didn’t remember which of all stood out so I asked which one. “That one when you made me lay on my stomach and you slept on my back and you put in just the head piece. Allo………that thing was very sweet that day!
It made me see Bazungu and angels and paradise. I felt electricity flowing all over me. My whole body trembled and I thought I was going to be sick or die. Even in my head, I thought it was going to explode with sweetness.”
“Really! Why didn’t you tell me to stop?” I teased. To which replied: “I was enjoying it very much! That style made me urinate on the bed.”
On hearing that, I asked, “made you urinate on the bed?”
“Yes. You made me bring water. You man, you’re very dangerous in those things. When that water came, I thought I was bleeding, but when I looked it was water.
Even my body became very weak. Even on the Booda booda going home, I was just sleeping. That style made me weak for three days, I was just there looking like a sick person. Every neighbor was coming and asking Mrs. Opwa are you sick? Are you pregnant?
I said to myself let me chuck this man because he is going to kill me with sweetness. So, I deleted your numbers. When you called I would deceive you. And then my husband got transferred to Gulu and I said eeehhuu!”
“But now, you’ve called. Why?” I asked.
“I want to see you,” she said.
I couldn’t help it but ask what about. “Everyday, my animal is asking for you,” she said. We both laughed.
“Really! What does it say?” To which she said, “where is my friend who used to dance with me very well? Everyday…..everyday it asks for you.”
On hearing that, I accused her of wanting me to go to Gulu and be shot by her husband.”In response, Mrs. Opwa calmed my fears. “Don’t worry. He isn’t in Gulu. My husband went to Dubai last year. He is no longer in the police.”
“Ok. But still, the men of Gulu – who are servicing you will beat me.” I said. “I don’t have any man. For me, I only love you and my husband.”
Considering how easy it was to get her, I couldn’t easily believe she only had me and Opwa. In a bid to dig for more information, I said, “But you said you deleted my numbers and chucked me.”
“Yes. I was fearing for my marriage. But when I got to Gulu – your love started killing me again. Then I lost my phone when we were shifting and I lost mama Akello’s number and mama Akello’s husband got transferred to Bugiri.
So, I didn’t have someone to get your numbers. But everyday, I was praying to god to make us meet. When I came shopping I would walk looking for you but I was not seeing you. Then when I went to the bank today, I saw your brother Kiconco and begged him to give me – your numbers. So now, I’ve called to tell you, I am still loving and want to see you.”
“Ok. I love you too. But you’re in Gulu, in Kampala. How shall we meet?” I tried reasoning. Only for Mrs. Opwa to say “if you like you come to Gulu and we go to a hotel or I come there and we go to that lodge we used to go.”
“To hotel or our lodge and do what?” I teased. “Hear him asking like a young baby. Don’t even ask! And you do me those sweet things.” It so happened, the skewer was itching. So, I told her to come. “Let me close the shop and bath and I board the bus.”
As I waited for Mrs. Opwa, I remembered other chicks who had chucked me for being good in bed and got wondering what exactly women want.
Anyways, what we did when she arrived in Kampala is a tale for another time.
Till then, I remain yours Truly, Mr. Hyena.
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