I expect my god to reward me for servicing a sexually starved preacher.
Those things of wedded people never doing it with anybody else when their partners dies, must end.
Can you imagine, widows and widowers get horny half of 24hours. If you think am deceiving, ask one.
This particular widow’s body system had rusted, she was suffering from general body weakness problems that, I’ve since solved. She’s now preaching energetically and passionately like she’s high on the horny spirit.
Like most of my affairs, this too started jokingly. My sister, was throwing a party for her baby, and wanted to slaughter a goat. So she turned to me the uncle of the baby to provide one.
By the time she informed me of my role in the party, she had already sent me mobile money to procure and deliver the goat.
I tried protesting because all my does were in kid or had delivered. But sister said I should improvise.
Being a step sister, whose brother’s wife I had been nabbed with several months earlier, which had created a mini-war between me and her siblings, returning her money could have widened the rift between us.
Therefore, I asked around and several people pointed at the preacher as someone who had talked of selling a goat. Off to her place I went. She was in the company of her three-year-old granddaughter when I arrived.
Until this day, I had never joked, flirted or even chatted with this woman.
All we ever did was greet each other. Because, besides being a preacher of the Anglican church, she is very short, with a funny face. My blood had never warmed up to her.
Anyways, after formalities, I announced my reason of dropping by. The preacher responded by showing me a big goat, for which she demanded 350k.
I bargained, flirted and bargained, using tactics like, “I never knew, you are one of the people who don’t like me on this village.”
And I also said, “I never knew women with come to bed eyes kusera so much.”
Finally, she lowered the price to 300k. Mind you, sister had sent me 200k. Anyways, I had no option other than topping up the 100k for uncle’s Sake. However, I wasn’t to give up my 100k without a fight so I said, “if give you 300k, am taking you along too.”
The preacher replied by giving me along stare which ended with a ‘to do what’ question and I was like “to marry you and sire twins with those come to bed eyes.”
That made her laugh, akakule she even accused me of being very funny. But I was like, “am dead serious” only for her to say, “Ooooh Mr. Hyena stop it……..leave me alone. Am too old for that…..am now a grandmother!”
I was joking because I didn’t expect this woman, who probably knew all my escapades in this and neighbouring villages to accept. Besides not knowing my info, she’s one of the people held in high regard in our village. I didn’t expect her to associate with a renowned philanderer.
Kumbe, she was sexually starving, to the point of almost sleeping with Muyenga trained dogs, because all men in the village feared her for her pious lifestyle.
Not knowing I was flirting with a starving woman, as I paid her via mobile money and I remarked, “Jennifer is a sexy name just like you. 7 pm, I will be in town waiting for your call.” To which the preacher replied laughing, “kyoka he speaks seriously like he means it.”
In response, I said “am dead serious……if you don’t come, I will return here and force my way into your bedroom.”
This made her laugh some more saying, “okay goodbye…..see you later.”
And so off to sister’s crib, I hurried and slaughtered the goat. The preacher, drifted to the back of my thoughts when I mingled with belles at the party. But at around 2:27pm, I received a call from a number not saved in my contacts.
As usual, I thought it was someone wanting land or a house to buy or even someone wanting a loan. But on answering, it was Jennifer the preacher. “Please Mr. Hyena, don’t be there waiting for me……for me, am not going to come. I don’t want to bring problems for myself,” she bubbled.
Deep inside I was like, “oooh she thought I was serious.” But telling her, I was joking would kill the sexcitement that my joking had ignited in the servant of the LORD. Therefore, I said, “we made a deal, you either come this way or I come to your bedroom. The choice is yours.”
What the preacher said next prompted me to postpone all the bonking proggies, I was making. “But you will use condoms….because, I don’t trust you,” she said.
My heart exploded and my whole body grew goosebumps on hearing that.
I bit my teeth. And may have been like “Oooh my God!” I highly think that after the call, the preacher Jennifer ran to the shops, bought a packet of nacet razor blades and toothpaste, ran to her bedroom smeared the animal with soap and shaved it Shaolin.
Steamed the animal, dried herself put on her best mothers union, clothes and perfume then set off to town.
I will let you imagine the lies she told those that asked where she was going.
But her journey ended up in a salon where her hair was serviced. A process that took two hours, by the time they were done, it was 6:30 pm.
Upon popping out of the salon, the preacher called informing me, she was in town.
I directed her to a classy guesthouse. I ran to a pizza shop, bought some then hurried to join the lady of the moment.
The room was full of perfume when I entered and I quickly noticed the preacher was glittering like a snake that had just shed its skin, plus her being in full courtship mode.
“Wawawa…..you look so sweet,” I complimented.
I grabbed her hand, pulled her for a hug only to notice her body trembling. On asking if she was trembling the answer was nope. “It’s just a little cold in here,” I replied, promising to have her sweating in no time.
“Really!” she shot back, her teeth trembling as well. To ease the tension, I spread her on the bed locked our lips for a passionate smooch.
The sexually starving widow didn’t hold back. She kissed as if wanting to swallow my whole mouth.
After several minutes of that snog, I tasked her with the responsibility of showing me how Eva invented sex, then taught it to innocent Adam. As she was bubbling, “I don’t know”, I spread myself closed my eyes told her to use her imagination.
And so, she undressed me then gave me a lollipop. I would have fired in her mouth, had it not been for the morning bonk had done with madam Charity.
The pole became so hard like it was made of steel or stone. At that point, I asked whether Eva had picked the fruit on the ground or she had climbed up the tree. The preacher was silent for a moment, before saying come again.
So I asked again which made her laugh.
Then she said, she picked it from the ground, only for me to ask if at any point, the bible talks about Adam suffering from cholera. The answer to which was no.
“So she must have climbed up the tree as you’re going to,” I said
On hearing that, the preacher asked which tree she was going to climb. “I don’t see any tree,” she said.
I replied suggesting she calls her ssenga, “she will tell you the tree you have to climb.”
But she wasn’t to be subdued without a fight and so said “when women climb trees, they don’t bear fruit. Do you want your tree to stop bearing fruits?”
“You will have saved me overpopulating earth,” I said.
With those words, I handed her a packet of anti-virus only for her to tell me, she didn’t know how to install it.
Once again, I suggested, she calls her Ssenga to come teach her.
To cut a long story short, she installed the anti-virus. Then she climbed up the tree amidst complaints of how it was very huge.
However, on getting to the top of the tree, the preacher impaled herself and cream started flowing. The thing was very tight prompting me to ask if she was a virgin. “Yes, I’ve not done these things since my husband died.”
Round number one ended prematurely when I was forced to fire due to her tightness and warmth. So, we switched places and, I took charge. As I put on a new rubber, I prayed “Ooooh lord bless this ceremony we are about to do. Give me strength to satisfy her.”
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“Amen!”, the widow laughed and once again accused me of being funny and very stubborn. I administered a dose of akembarara which was followed by missionary and magic mountain during which I hit her G-spot for the second time.
The following Sunday, her congregation praised her for the energetic and passionate service she had led. Some of the church members have since started thinking, she uses booze before going on the altar.
Since that night, we’ve been having a very top secret affair. I currently have two preachers and a nun under my belt for whom, I expect some reward in the afterlife.
If you’re currently providing similar services, share with us here.
Till then, I remain yours truly, Mr. Hyena.